Extreme Ironing

This is very nice. Cool idea from Stena Line. Be sure to check out the photo gallery. These people really need to get out of the house more often. The nincompoop in the picture forgot to plug the iron in. He'll never get the creases out now. but I suppose there's no point, really.

-pin drops-

The Freezer Murders

Well, "Cluedo for real" continues. Here is a follow up.

"The only thing we know is that both victims were killed by stabbing. But the autopsy report has not yet been added to the file so the examining judge has not yet had access to that." Okay. So it's probably just lying around on someone's desk and that person is away on holiday right now and won't be back within a fortnight.
Is kind of clever, up to a certain point, now not trying to arrouse suspicion if you want someone appear to be still alive. Texting and emailing. Is a bit short sighted at the best of times, but then again. How many pensions have been fraudulently claimed while granny was already gone to meet her maker? Not too long ago pensioners had to present themselves at the town hall and ask for a document that stated they were still alive. But they've gotten rid of that cumbersome bit of Kafka now. So who checks up on the old dears now?
Step forward Norman Bates...

Giant Badgers terrorise Basra

I could not help but finding it scary but yet so unbelievable. 'Tis hilarious, another Nessie is born. I think it is a story made up just to scare people from roaming around the streets at night. This is part of the Old Empire that gave us 1001 Arabian Nights! So the Brits introduced the badgers eh? Well, we know how shaky the whole badger cull in Blighty really is. Just google badger cull to get all sides of the story. So. Dump the poor sods somewhere remote. Logistical nightmare? Just the domestic bit. There will be trooptransports and the like going due Middle East. So no snag there. But have we seen vast outfits roaming the countryside bagging badgers? Recruiting them for an honorable cause? If they could get away with making the Nigerian fraudulent documents stick, why not smuggle in some animals unwanted on your own turf? Put a little spin on exporting these sick badgers. "Numbers of infected badgers rapidly declining". I fell of my chair reading a statement from the British spokesman:"We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area,"
It is silly isn't it. Just send in the Badger Brigade and save the troops for the clean-up.

Spot the logical fallacy

Okay. So a little exercise to keep the brain from turning into mush.
Spot the logical fallacies. Here's a guide to logical fallacies. If your brain has already been destroyed by alcohol: Just read for the hell of it.


HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient  mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
______________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. _______________________________  

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
______________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
______________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans!  Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
______________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Ex Mouse

This is an ex-mouse.
It is no more. It has ceased to be. It has expired, gone to meet its maker.

Viva La Diva

Two great diva's have passed away this week. Beverly Sills (78) and Regine Crispin (80). I am filled with sadness to learn of their demise, those great voices no longer being among us.

Devil's haircut in Amsterdam

How can he have been acquitted for self defence? He was holding the scissors. What was the other guy using to attack him? Moustache wax? Hair lacker to slow him down?

Well, I expect most customers had a close shave...

-pin drops-

Cluedo for real

A dinner guest in Verviers, Belgium made a gruesome discovery last night.

I bet it was Reverend Green in the Library with the dagger.

The 10 Commandments for Driving

Two weeks ago the Vatican issued it's Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road or shorter still the 10 commandments for driving. I'll give you the rundown.

I. You shall not kill
>>Does roadkill count? For Roman catholics I think there is still no clear answer on this matter. They don't actually know if animals have souls.

II. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
>>Surely the Vatican means all those adjecent spots next to motorways where people can get to know each other intimately. I think the Vatican just calls it 'Evangelising'

III. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
>>As will ABS, airbags and a spot of defensive driving.

IV. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
>>The blind guy? The one that got poked in the eye by his rosary dangling from his rear view mirror because he accelerated too quickly?

V. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination and an occasion of sin.
>>Does the Vatican mean parking the car and steaming up the windows? Never knew they we into that whole domination thing. Just fancy that!

VI. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
>>Drunk or riddled with cataract like?

VII. Support the families of accident victims.
>>How? By having a bit of the old pray?

VIII. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
>>Isn't that what usually happens after receiving a summons and meeting in a court building for the compensation trial?

IX. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
>>Stop once in a while to let grandparents and kids pee?

X. Feel responsible toward others.
>>Even when they've just been sick in your car?

Mark Lane published some hilarious Commandments of Florida Driving.
And about halfway down the MonkeyFilter page about the commandments BlueHorse posted a top 10 of Pope Mobile improvements which I am sure His Infallible Highness will be keen to adopt when ordering a new set of wheels.

I would just suggest:
-Honk three times if you love Jesus
-Give way to God at all times

BrainLab

BrainLab is jumping the gun. Seems a bit odd posting a news item yet to come, 19 days in the future. Even after all the commotion caused today by their equipment. Did the developers of this brain radiation tool experiment on themselves and have they developed the uncanny ability to foretell the future?

Paris and taking decisions

She is undoubtably the best marketing success by far. And an unquenchable well for hilarious quotes. This is my favourite of the week:
"In the future I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make"

Philosopher's Drinking Song

I must say I find it albeit rather preposterous to let drop your last name and use your middle name for spin reasons.
Just reading the entry on Wikipedia about Socrates makes me laugh if you transpose them into present times. Much as Socrates is the Portugese PM today, the rest is hilarious if treated much the same way.
"Plato's dialogues portray Socrates as a teacher who denies having disciples, as a man of reason who obeys a divine voice in his head (we do have medicine these days to keep out the little voices -it's called Thorazine I believe, and a pious man who is executed for the state's own expediency ( illegal phonetapping anyone?) Socrates disparages the pleasures of the senses, yet is excited by beauty (Armani suits perhaps?); he is devoted to the education of the citizens of Athens, yet indifferent to his own sons ("Socrates is divorced and said to maintain good relations with his ex-wife Sofia Fava, with whom he has two sons." ).
The trial and execution of Socrates was the climax of his career (well it would be the climax of his career if he were at his peak and then he was dead shortly after) and the central event of the dialogues of Plato. According to Plato, both were unnecessary. Socrates admits in court that he could have avoided the trial by abandoning philosophy and going home to mind his own business (in a sense like Barosso and Guterres before him?) . After his conviction, he could have avoided the death penalty by escaping with the help of his friends (are we talking a Blair-like escape here?).
Socrates has a post grad degree in Sanitary Engineering. Nice to have someone in charge who knows what he's doing amid sewage facilities and clean drinking water. With those kind of qualifications he's by far the right man for the job presiding the EU for 6 months!

I think we should be told

Is the actor Georges Clooney the new PM of Portugal or has Socrates succeeded in landing the lead in Ocean's Thirteen? Are they related in any way? I think we should be told.