Drive the point home

I have a very strong opinion about some people not being able to drive a car in a manner acceptable to other users of the public roads. I have reached this conclusion after years of observation and well over ten years of driving experience as an active participant in daily traffic (driving trucks, vans and normal cars ranging from sports to 4x4s). Of course there are exceptions to the rules, aren't there just? On the other hand I haven't found many rules applicable to yours truly (but that could well be to turn out an entirely different post someday). I have distilled my suppositions and assumptions into 5 categories and the results are very significant. About 90% of the observations confirm my thesis (and that is really a very nice average by any standards). Dispensing with all political correctness, I don't indulge in that kind of thing anyway, here are the results:

"Hypothesis concerning the cataloguing of drivers of normal cars:

1) MONO VOLUMES: Men and women driving this kind of vehicle are always in a hurry, even when their entire bowl of fruit of loins is located on the back seat(s). Men driving a mono volume usually have mounted, metal coat hangers behind the head supports, so the children residing on the back seat, in case of a severe collision, suffer multiple severe facial injuries and end up with a horrendous mutilation and are thus scarred for the rest of their lives, if they survive the crash in the first place. Female drivers of mono volumes cut off the road very aggressively for other road users, have never heard of the concept of brake distance and never use their turn signal when slaloming from one lane to another. This usually happens with or without the company of shopping, kids or towering stacks of clutter piled up against the windows. They usually never stick to speed limits or park their cars in the therefore designated areas, especially around school areas. About these windows: In 9 out of 10 cases I have confirmed the presence of some kind of awning (with one small sucker in the middle) with the text "Skoebiedoe" on it issued by a christian health benefit organisation.

2) OLD NUMBERPLATES: New number plates being issued today by the Department for Transport are a 3 letter and number combination (e.g. HTZ455). Old number plates however do not resemble this combo. Usually they look like 2.L.035 or U.03.DL. These plates give the vehicle upon which they are fixed a set of special traits and distinguishing features. For instance, it prohibits the vehicle from exceeding a speed faster than 100 kmph. Number plates such as mentioned above are usually attached to Asian hatchbacks mentioned hereafter: Mitsubishi Charisma, Nissan Maxima, Hyundai Excel (and Elantra), Mazda 626, Suzuki Boleno,... Owners of these vehicles are an average of 70 years and over and imperel international road safety standards. Usually the cars are populated by a grey haired couple, the silver haired male driving, woman on the passenger seat. The drivers have usually never taken a driving exam in their lives and in the past could just go and collect their licenses at the town hall. Afore mentioned category of cars are usually only out on the roads after 10 am on extremely busy roads, preferable when people younger than the afore stipulated age group are in a hurry. Extra caution is heeded at motor way cloverleafs, these 70+ drivers usually change lanes at top speeds of no less than 60 to 70 kmph! These elements drive around 60 kmph on one lane roads where a maximum of 90 is tolerated and keep driving at 70 kmph even within city limits where only 50 is allowed. They do not notice cyclists on crossroads and never brake for pedestrians who are already halfway the zebra crossing. These licence plates are also hereditary. They will be re-used by the heirlooms concerned. Oddly enough these new drivers also assume the habits of the average old number plate owners. [Caution! Category 2 is not to be confused with the P number plates issued to MP's currently in office].

3) OLD PEOPLE: This is the category closely associated with category 2 and in most cases form a noticeable combination. Drivers' nasal instruments never exceed the hight of the steering wheel and usually wear a plaid cap. Sir chauffeurs, Madam is being chauffeured. If Madam does appear to be behind the steering wheel she will be found driving a Fiat Panda, Toyota Starlet or Nissan Micra. These persons almost never wear spectacles and look as if counting the squashed flies on their windscreens. From remarks on speed: see 'Old Numberplates'.

4) IMMIGRANTS: Individuals of this category haven't really mastered the the art of driving. Our objects of study usually drive on the middle lane, are always preoccupied with gesticulating frantically at fellow passengers and never reach an average of 100 kmph. North African drivers have secondhand Mercs (with a crocheted fringe dangling along the upper edge of the windscreen) or in vans with curtained windows. Persons of coloured distinction prefer hatchback models for their choice transport (these tend to be the second hand cars driven by persons of categories 2 & 3). Cars driven by immigrants usually consist of a minimum passenger load of 4 people. This is not difficult to spot, even without counting the persons inside, there is a considerable pressure on the back end axis, resulting in a better roadholding.

5) WOMEN: The urban myth that women are able to perform multiple tasks all at once does not stand up accordingly as simple research shows. Yabbering and driving do not complement each other in an enduring way. Women (usually in the company of other women) gesticulate, de- and accelerate at any given time and brake randomly. [This phenomenon is re-occurent in road behaviour displayed by young urban professionals in BMW's in shirt and tie (and gruesome tie/sock combination) with mobile/PDA in hand].
The vehicle driven by persons of category 5 will swerve across the motor way because of following parameters: rummaging around in handbag, trying to calm a child down on the back seat, trying to reach for something in the glove compartment. These types of women usually take to the roads in Fiat Panda's, Renault Twingo's (and for UK only: Rover Metro). These cars come with a standard issue obligatory variety of cuddly toys on the rear shelf tray or box of tissues on the dashboard."

So put my hypothesis to the test (unless you are part of the above categories and are deeply offended and will do absolutely nothing of the sort). If you recognise none of the things I have described here then you probably belong to a category I have yet to classify.

Just a reminder to get you safely through traffic: Beware of a combination of all five categories! Whomsoever ventures out on the roads after 10 am after heavy traffic congestions have passed into oblivian and sees an elderly coloured woman (accompanied by others or solitary) in a secondhand mono volume with old number plates; only one word to you: BEWARE! Hit the vertical peddle on the right or be slammed against the central concrete reservation.