Fahrenheit 451

As you may have deduced by now, I am a prolific reader and notorious horder of books. Dr Livingstone will testify to this fact. A small portion of my catalog has already found its way to the internet and is there for all of you to see. Just click on my LibraryThing sidebar on the right to go to my online library. I don't entirely know if my insurance is quite happy with all that paper being stored in the house.

Now I know bookburning is no longer en vogue and I would be the last person on earth to promote biblioclasm, but I have finally found a book that, if the chance of entrusting a volume to the flames presented itself to me, I'd fling it in without any hesitation whatsoever.
Anyway, I came home from my summer film school earlier this week (will blog about that some time in the future) and found a book that my mother in law had given the Teens™.
It's a Dutch book written by Aaf Brandt Corstius and Machteld van Gelder. It is called Handbook voor de Moderne Vrouw.
It is beyond a shadow of a doubt a collection of the worst load of cobblers and headless chicken-ramblings I have ever read.

A quick glance at some of the entries is all one needs to be convinced. It is just so wrong in every aspect of its wording, message and presumptions .
Its outset is to give the Modern Woman some kind of guideline to find her way around today's society.
Even if it were written tongue-in-cheek (and believe you me it is nothing of the sort) it would still amount to being 445 pages of pure, unadulterated drivel.
It is a plethora of poppycock all these glossy wimmins mags print up. I'll give some off-the-cuff translations, a handfull of uncut gems of absolute rubbish.

p 17: Of course, it could well be he earns less money, isn't as brilliant as you or not as beautiful. That is not at all lousy, as long as he is absolutely brilliant in other areas.

p 25: A couple of years ago the standard on flirting was published. The Rules. Oprah and others have dedicated a lot of shows to it, so you will undoubtedly remember it.

p 117: Advantages of breast feeding: -It's free.

p 118: Babies have an enormous sucking reflex. Rumour has it that if you'd get up, the baby could keep hanging on to your nipple just by the power of its mouth alone.

p 142: We think Rabbi Shmuley is an ok guy.

p 191: Anyone with an inferiority complex about her features and appearance and a small budget can try and manage this complex by using plastic surgery.

p 206: On how to combat a winter depression: Wallow in it! Stay at home. No one will force you to go outside, as is always the case in summer. No terraces, no parades and rosé-drenched barbecuehappenings. Just stay inside with the telly on. A huge pile of DVD's, a tub of pop corn and a tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Because that cursed bikini-diet only has to start at the end of May.

p 213: Cocaine. What's fun about it?

Continues ad nauseam...

To top it off the codswallop is very unnuanced and totally geared towards desperate housewives who're already familiar with this kind of nonsense from day time tv shows (I gather Oprah being one of them) and will just see all that twaddle being reaffirmed.

Oh and too bad if you're a lesbian. You'll be shunned by Modern Women reading this patronizing book who gobble up every word in it. Or you'll be revered as just being the epitomy of playing hard to get. (Oh yes! p 26). And modern women being ... er ... heterosexual women with children married to men who are able to support them financially who have the right to a personal shopper.

I think I'll have to have a word with my mother in law. Giving the Teens™ a book riddled with pseudo science and praising quacks as sensible people is not the best way forward. Not for Modern Women. Not even for mankind in general.

Michael balls - part III

Oh yes, even more post mortem capers. Won't be long now before bigger bits than this go missing:
It is alleged Michael Jackson's prosthetic nose is missing.
So it really was a case of putting your face on before going out.

I prefer to sit in the dark

Read what it was all about two years ago on David Bordwell's blog.
This year he will be lecturing on The Film Year 1960. He has made an international selection from the Cinematek collection. We will be viewing Godard, Wilder, Kurosawa,...
The two other main threads will run on the Hollywood Emigrés (Garbo, Renoir, Karloff, Ulmer, Ophüls,...) and new Korean cinema (Kim Ki-Duk, Kim Ki-Young, Park Chan-Wook, Boon Joon-Ho),...

Nature is a cruel mistress

Mother Nature has been harsh. The new horse that was born Sunday morning lies dead in the field.
The owner has done nothing to remove it. I did see someone there next to the little horse yesterday evening, but nothing has happened. The mother stands over the remains and tries, in vain, to stir it into action with her head.

Let the good times roll

Had two new front tires fitted to my car on Monday.
Vrooom! Look out asphalt, here I come!

Florence Mousergale

Well, it took till eleven o'clock before Mouser stirred out of the sedation. Vomit. Glaze-eyed. Kitteh tried to get up, I put it on all fours.
Stagger, sway, teeter, totter, stumble, wobble. Just up to the kitchen door. There it keeled over gently and slept again. I pulled up a chair so I could watch over the sleepy animal.
After twenty minutes it got up again and wanted to jump on the window sill to get out. I helped. Fell asleep again right there.
More of the Florence Nightingale route, I got a good deal on in the Athelstan mystery I'm reading.
Then Mouser decided to wobble about some more, strolled round the living room, wanted to exit through one of the tall windows. The strut got more steady as kitteh moved about, but I got a look from it as though it said; "Please stop all the furniture from moving and swirling around".
It was trying to make one thing clear: It wanted some fresh air.
So I decided to let Mouser out for a stroll and supervise it from a distance. It wouldn't be going very fast, it was walking about like a drunken man trying to walk on a straight line.
It came with me down the drive and then did a 180º turn and headed out for the road. No cars about, it was well past midnight by now. It stopped at the side of the road and miaowed for the first time as if asking; 'Is it ok to cross the road?'
So I let her. A tractor was making noise working in a field somewhere, I think they're turning mown grass or cutting off wheat somewhere. It induced kitteh to try and run, but kindof stumbled. Then it sat down and relieved itself, letting out a second yelp as if to point out what a good cat it was.
Then I heard a car approach, picked Mouser up and went back indoors.
Far too groggy still to leave out on its own. It was nearly one o'clock and Velvet Claws™ decided to come and sit with me in the couch. A bit unlucky as I have taken off all the covers to take to the dry cleaners and they won't be ready 'till tomorrow afternoon.
But Mouser wanted a spot on my lap and purred gratefully. Then my arm went numb and I wanted to get to bed.
I left the little black hipster on some pillows. It joined me later on upstairs, the pain in her leg had gone. Hurrah!
This morning kitteh was all talkative and back to normal again.
I'm nackered because of the worry from yesterday.
This nursing thing is not for me. But I'm really glad the drugs have worked and I didn't let it saunter off on its own the first time. Mouser's a good cat, it deserves a healthy, cheeky life. I love it to bits.

Mouser's hip to be square

Mouser had been limping for two days in a row now, at times it seemed to get better. This morning I wanted to go to the vet, but kitteh was nowhere to be found.
This afternoon it resurfaced, I bundled Velvet Claws™ into the cat carrier and off we went.
Yelping and whaling from here to eternity in the car.
A busy waiting room: a very nervous Golden Retriever, a very shy black cat and Mouser. After me two more cats and a Jack Russel. Luckily the Golden dog got to see the doctor before the two dogs had a go at each other.
It was very warm, Mouser still resorting to special pleading and unsettling the cat in the carrier next to mine.
Finally the nice doctor took a look at kitteh. She's very fond of black cats. Mouser went very quit when the lid opened up. She took it out. '...What nice shimmering fur! Hello teeny weeny pussy cat! You look in a lot of pain...Hmm...Paw not swollen. Let's take its temperature.'
Mouser didn't like the sound of that, nor the insertion of the thermometer straight after that.
'...Not running a temperature...If you want to I can taken an x-ray to see if puss's broken something. The pelvis or a bone might be broken.'
Sure, no problem, anything to get a correct diagnosis and help out poor kitteh.
'I'll have to sedate her. Cats do not tend to lie still for x-rays. The dog that was just in here had to have an x-ray too, it had a broken paw.'
So Mouser got the good drug to make her go count some sheep (or I guess cats might count something else?), and went all limp after a while. It looks really scary, the eyes are still open but cat is fast asleep.
The vet put some drops in to make sure they didn't dry up.
'Is this the first time you've had an x-ray taken of your pet?' Why yes it is strange but nice lady.
We put kitteh on the xray table and ZAP! the machine sent some hight energy electromagnetic waves through Velvet Claws™.
'The right hip was dislocated, but it popped back of its own accord. That's why Mouser is in such terrible pain. The rest is ok, nothing was damaged. Probably jumped off something or hit by a car. It'll be as right as rain. I'll give something for the pain and against a possible infection. Kitteh will be asleep for another two hours.'
And Mouser still is while I'm typing this up. I haven't moved kitteh from the cat carrier. It's on the floor with the lid open.
I can here deep, heavy snoring. I'm glad it's ok and nothing is broken. I wonder how groggy kitteh will emerge from its lethargic sleep.

A new horse

Yet another animal was born next door. This time it is a little horse. The mare looks a bit tired, she's been popping out little 'ns every year for nearly a decade I've been told.
All the other animals (the four donkeys, four horses and a cheeky black pony) kept me awake all night, making irritating noises and galloping all over the place. Just being obnoxious really.
I think there's something wrong with its legs, it walks all funny and unsteady. Not that I know anything about horses. It just looks as if its got too much leg for its own good.

Michael balls - part II

I've had to catch up with teh intertubes. But as I'd thought, Michael Jackson has already made his first appearance post mortem.
His ghost was spotted haunting the corridors of his Neverland ranch.



Looks like he's a mere shadow of his former self these days.

Google Ads make Giggle Ads

Google ads make me giggle.
Take a look at this advertisement for Java tutorials.

Take Me Back To Dear Old Blighty

I'm off today. Meeting Dr Livingstone in London.
Travelling by Eurostar, I so hate flying. First thing I'll do when I reach St Pancras is go to Sir John Betjeman's statue. I always do. Must put some pictures up from last year.
On the other hand, every time I am travelling internationally by train a terrorist attack happens somewhere.
Let's see now:
On the 11th of March 2004 I was on the TGV heading for Nice. Madrid suffered train bombings.
On the 7th of July 2005 I was on the Eurostar heading for Waterloo station. London suffered train bombings.
Oh noes! It's a curse. Something's dreadfull it going to happen today!
...
Now lets add a little bit of scepticism to that shall we?
The last three years I've travellled nowhere by train and there have been train bombings in Mumbai (2006), Novgorod (2007) and Balochistan (2008).
Nope. No pattern there.
See how easy it is to debunk these silly coincidences?

The World According to me - Year 2

This is a bit of a belated post, but here goes: Year two of Mrs B's never ending ramblings. Chuck Norris cake all round!
What has happened on the blog this past year? A quick round up:

-Meh, still no visitors from Antarctica.
Not even now we have our own non-emission polar base.
Looks like I was wrong, no sex crazed scientists on the cold continent looking for a little heat on teh intertubes.

-I saw a lot of traffic about the omega pharma e-waves phone chip scam. It looks like they're trying to find a market for the scam in the rest of Europe. Some people want to find out what these non existent quantum physical information waves are really about.

-Folks want someone to explain post modernism to them, it's a jumbled up handfull at best, I might do a thorough post about this during the summer.

-Cats having thermometers inserted in them is also a very popular search term. Thanks to the Thermometer goes where lolcat.

-Hacking facebook or apps are a popular pasttime too it appears.

-I expect the fashion police had a very busy winter. There was infinite interest in moonboots, how to clean them and which side goes on what foot.

-The LHC particle adventure scored too. Yay for science!

-My blog entry on Colour changing spiders is the most popular one.


Some strangely disturbing search terms found their way to my little ramblings:

-italian +cheese+worms+health risk+once eaten+name+type of worm
Mrs B: I suspect someone had some lovely cheese and crackers and then took a good look at the food and realized it had probably passed its sell by date by a couple of years. And then was worried if there were any health risks involved.

-license to crennelate
Mrs B: Someone looking over the law before they submit their over the top planning permission?

-balls-up maritime expression
Mrs B: Some creative writer/journalist wanting some novel description of the Iran/UK sailor incident?

-do weasel balls float?
Mrs B: I don't know and I'm not going to try.

-hamster lost circulation
Mrs B: I hope you have fixed its wheel by now or taken the rodent to see a vet.

-it will all make sense in the end
Mrs B: Will it really? How very comforting to know someone is reading all the bullcrap I'm typing up. There's hope for mankind yet.

-And a heartwarming: 'The enchanted world of Mrs B'
Mrs B: How very sweet.

-And of course I did get a lot of traffic for people looking for porn. Because that's just what the web is for, right? Sorry to disappoint some of you, but my entry on 'Hooters' really was about owls.